Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” -Pema Chodron
I love painting pictures with my words. It starts when I’m trying to figure something out. I visualize what I’m thinking in an animated or metaphoric way that helps me make sense of it. So, what is my carpet bag of baggage?
It’s a rug big enough to fit all the stuff I’ve collect along the various journeys of my-life. It’s an ugly carpet, full of untruths, most of them having to do with my self-esteem. It’s all tied together with the black rope of fear. I’m so used to carrying it around that I don’t even feel how much it’s weighing me down most of the time. It’s in those moments when I’m paying attention to life that it falls off my shoulder. It’s a wonderful feeling as if I’ve sucked in some helium and I’m floating right above the ground. And I wonder why it can’t be like this all the time.
When the black rope of fear sees me happy it starts to untie itself around the carpet. Moving like a snake. Fear knows I’m afraid of snakes. It’s the way it gets my attention. As the carpet bag begins to slowly open all the dreadful demeaning voices jump around shouting me, me, me pick me. All it takes is for me to believe one demeaning thought of worthiness, and I’ll find myself standing upon the rug that fear uses, to pull the joy right out from under me.
But I’m seeing a little clearer now. They say, you have to see what needs changed, before you can change it. As the quote says about, “nothing goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” I’m learning one thing for sure, that as big as fear looks, what lies on the other side of it is majestic.
Today I went back to place I lived in Philadelphia. I haven’t seen since the day I ran away in 1968. That’s 50 years ago. It was an institution in Philadelphia called Stenton Child Center. My younger sister and I were supposed to feel fortunate that we were in such a nice place. Most of the places the state provided for abandon children were pretty run down. There is no place on earth that could be better than being with your own family no matter how difficult things are at home.
I didn’t know how I would react when I actually saw it. As we began to approach I felt only a moment panic, that quickly turned to curiosity. I couldn’t believe how much it looked the same after all these years. The memories so fresh in my mind and stories yet to tell. I couldn’t go inside because it’s now a shelter for homeless families, but I was okay with that because I felt like the monster it represented in my mind for so many years no longer had a hold on me.
On my way home I wondered about how this applies to what I wrote about yesterday in relation to place of shifting I find myself. Of all the different places I’ve been, this was by far the worst ground I’d ever worked in my life. But it’s also yielded the most growth in my life. It was a time of planting, growing, and nurturing. It was full of many cultivating opportunities that could have yielded many weeds, but instead continues to teach and bear much fruit.
I am not only in the winter of the season, but nature teaches another lesson in my life, that I am in the winter of my shifting cultivation. A time to rest, re-evaluate, contemplate, let go and chill out on a icebergs going with the rivers flow.
Sometimes life becomes as twisted as a vine. The tighter it wraps itself around one circumstance after the other it becomes hard to breath. Hard to understand. Hard to think. The desperation to reach and cling, and climb brings us to a standstill. In this place of resting we find the breath of life, and clarity begins to set in. We quench our thirst from a drop of the ocean, and we begin to see that we are a part of something much bigger then ourselves. We begin to feel the need for expression going deeper within where we feed on the nourishment we’ve collected along the way. In the process, we become a bud growing within instead of out. The need to express what we are becoming grows ever stronger until in the mist of all our twisted vines what we were created to be burst forth in all our beauty and glory.
We can become who we were created to be if we stop twisting ourselves up knots. If we stop fighting against ourselves and others. If we stop to listen to the voice…not calling in the wind…but the one that comes from within longing to be expressed through…you…and…me.
The Story of the Hummingbird
Michael Nicoll Yahgullanaas
One day a terrible fire broke out in a forest – a huge woodlands was suddenly engulfed by a raging wild fire. Frightened, all the animals fled their homes and ran out of the forest. As they came to the edge of a stream they stopped to watch the fire and they were feeling very discouraged and powerless. They were all bemoaning the destruction of their homes. Every one of them thought there was nothing they could do about the fire, except for one little hummingbird.
This particular hummingbird decided it would do something. It swooped into the stream and picked up a few drops of water and went into the forest and put them on the fire. Then it went back to the stream and did it again, and it kept going back, again and again and again. All the other animals watched in disbelief; some tried to discourage the hummingbird with comments like, “Don’t bother, it is too much, you are too little, your wings will burn, your beak is too tiny, it’s only a drop, you can’t put out this fire.” And as the animals stood around disparaging the little bird’s efforts, the bird noticed how hopeless and forlorn they looked. Then one of the animals shouted out and challenged the hummingbird in a mocking voice, “What do you think you are doing?”
And the hummingbird, without wasting time or losing a beat, looked back and said, “I am doing what I can.”
I often feel like the tiny hummingbird in this great big world. Only I am more like the animals that stand in at the edge of the stream watching the chaos happening right in front of me. I become so overwhelmed by the size of the problem that all I think about is the problem itself rather then what I can do to put the fire out that the problem created in the first place. We all hear the gentle buzz of the hummingbirds’ wings inside us. It’s that little tiny voice trying to be heard over the roar of the fire. It’s calling us to do something. But how can little-ol-me do anything to change what’s wrong in the world? There’s always something we can do whether we can fly the plane that drops tons of water or fly like the little hummingbird with one drop at a time. We do what we can…simple by using what we’ve been blessed with to make a difference.
Lately the subject on “self-worth” has popped up in a few things I’ve read. It’s a subject close to my heart because I grew up believing that I was a mistake or reject from heaven, and that God forgot to give me what everyone else seemed to have…love. How do you have self-worth without a sense of self-love. I was lucky to meet someone who saw something special in me, my husband. He loved me enough for the both of us. While I couldn’t understand what he saw in me that was so lovable, eventually I was able to see it through his eyes. Something inside me began to change as my faith grew. I awakened to a whole new understanding that God made each of us unique, and there was no one else in the world like me. That made me feel pretty special. Still I had to unlearn so much of what I’d grown up believing about myself. Mark Nepo, one of my favorite authors says, “I’ve learned that loving yourself requires a courage unlike any other. It requires us to believe in and stay loyal to something no one else can see that keeps us in the world—our own self-worth.” *1
Anita Moorjani reiterates this same idea when she experienced her dramatic near-death experience. She shares what she heard clearly before coming back: “Your only work is to love yourself, value yourself and embody this truth of self-worth and self-love so that you can be love in action. That is true service, to yourself and to those who surround you.” The message continues with her, and she explains that by not loving ourselves, we are denying the part of God that expresses itself through us. *2
As Nepo says, that learning to love ourselves requires courage like none other because it seems to go against just about everything we’ve learned. But think about it, how can we be the expression of God’s love to others, if we don’t see that it is God himself who desires to shine that love through us? Hum! Now that’s something worth to ponder on.
*1 “The Book Of Awakening” by Mark Nepo page29
*2 “What If This Is Heaven?” by Anita Moorjani
This is a follow-up from yesterday’s post. “Start from Now.” I was asked for a source of where it came from and as I wrote the answer it got me thinking about how important it is to share with everyone.
It’s a phrase my Dad often said to me when I found myself discouraged by the choices I made or the circumstances I found myself in. I figured he got it from one of the many inspirational books he’d read, but since I was asked I decided to google it. There are many different references to the same idea but none that are specific to these 3 words. It was found within the quote written by Carl Bard. (see the photo attached.)
Many already known the story I wrote a few years ago, about how I found these words written on a yellow sticky note stuck to the inside door of my Dad’s medicine cabinet. Something he couldn’t miss each morning as he began his day shaving. What many people don’t know is that he was a recovering alcoholic who had been sober for about the last 25 years of his life before he died at 79. Just because alcoholic’s stop drinking for long period doesn’t mean that the urge to drink goes away. It was a decision he had to make daily, sometimes several times a day. He found a way to take each moment and start anew because the other alternative would play on his mind, and he knew he couldn’t go there. He also learned to apply it to many other areas life.
These 3 words for me are not just words of feel good fluff. I don’t share anything I myself don’t use in my own life. One thing I will say is that starting from now is not for sissies. It is hard work. Moving past the things in my life that drag me down feels like my own personal addiction to overcome. I’ve shared this quote with friends going through their own struggles. My friend Donna used it daily as she fought her way through cancer, and when she was too overcome by her condition her husband reminded her to take one step at a time…starting from now. Even through my own illness this past year and my surgeries where I felt stuck in limbo bringing myself back to the now reminded me that I was still alive, and that each day is a gift worth living no matter how I feel. Nobody said it was easy. The choice is there. I can choose to make the best of where I’m at each day or choose not to. Starting from now is just a formula to begin with…the rest is up to us.
This morning I was listening to Wayne Dyer on YouTube. He shared how important it is to spend time everyday outside reconnecting with all of God’s creations. Breathing in the fresh air, walking on the grass in your bare feet. I wish I could, but for one thing it’s too cold to walk in my bare feet where I live, and I’m still limited as to what I can do with my walking. But does that mean I have to settle for doing nothing? Nope! Not I!
Today I’m going to stretch my wings and go on an adventure. I had something that needed to go in the mailbox and the only way it was going to get there was for me to take it. I must say, it was like breaking out on my own for the first time in a long time. It meant putting my trust in how far I’ve come. Believing that I could walk the distance to my mailbox and back without anything to lean on or a place to sit in between. I know it sounds pitiful, but for me it was a great accomplishment. To top it off it was actually pretty nice out, and the fresh air felt cleansing to breath in.
I had no where to sit outside. So I did the next best thing. I opened my curtains inside the house. Sat on my couch in front of the big bay window taking in the sights that can’t be seen unless we stop like this to take them in. Guess what I saw? Several Robins sitting among the branches of my holly tree which is still filled with red berries. A sign of spring and hope that comes after a long winter of rest and renewal.
No pain, no gain!
That’s what I have to tell myself to gain the confidence I need to walk, move and exercise my newly constructed knee. It’s like having to walk across a bed of hot coals to get to the place I want to be on the other side of this. I realize that sacrifice only exist in the time it takes to get from here to there. That if I keep my focus on where I’m headed I don’t feel the burn as bad. With each attempt I grow stronger, letting go of what holds me back. Letting go of that which weighs me down, making my footsteps upon the burning coals a little lighter. I’m learning that anything is possible if we want it bad enough. It’s a great lesson, teaching me that nothing is impossible when we put our mind, heart and soul into what we have to do. Reminding myself over and again that for me no pain, means no gain, so it’s become my manta for now. A lesson that can be applied to other areas of my life as well.
Attacking the TV, is what I do! Now you have to understand for a dog like me it looks like there’s another world going on inside my own world. I have a strong protective instinct, and sometimes I fear that the animals are going to jump through the window of their world into mine. Or maybe one of the bad guys are going to hurt my Connie. It makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. So when I hear the loud sounds of barking dogs, upset people, guns, bombs, storms, and fast cars. I stand at attention with determination like a warrior at the front of the threat. I charge forward, jumping into the air like super dog. I might be a small dog, but I have the spirit of a giant. No matter how much I try though, I can’t figure out how to get inside that other world. The window I see it through doesn’t have an opening. Eventually things settle down inside the land of TV. I walk away and forget about it until the next time. Being fearful over things that aren’t really happening in our own world only causes unnecessary stress and anxiety. I guess there are things that are beyond our understanding. When we spend so much time trying to face what isn’t even ours to face, it’s like trying to get inside a world you don’t belong in. While in the process of it we forget were we are and lose sight of the world we live in right now.
Ok enough of that serious us stuff. I think it’s time to put my super dog bacon cape on and run around the table a few times. Yes I’m feeling good, this super lucky do is on fire. As Buzz Lightyear would say “to infinity and beyond.” Hey…It’s ok to pretend.
This is a good question to ask ourselves at this time of re-election in our country. It seems that the only real control we have is in who we decide to vote for. For me personally the candidates have nothing to offer that reflects any of my values. It makes you feel like you have no sense of control in how you would like to change the world for the better. So in order to see my own worth in all this I have to bring it down to level in which I can make a difference. The world is an awful big picture to take on. However, the only real world we live in is the one within ourselves. Now that’s something we can do something about. Does it really make a difference how I live in my own world? Of course it does because it affects everything around me. In my own inner world, it all starts with me, because after all I’m the only one I can do anything about. I affect others as others affect me, it’s true. However, the bottom line is, how I let others affect me is up to me. The change I wish that I could make is simple in being the change myself, living, expressing, inspiring through my own example. The answer is all encompassing in this thing we call love, and love is much bigger then the world. So I guess for me the change would come from learning to love more every day right where I am. If I can become an expression of that love how can I possible, go wrong? It is true what the world needs now is love sweet love. One of my favorite songs of my youth. I wish it had the sincerity it was intended for when sung at the democratic convention, and how sad but true in a cartoon today it was Trump singing the song, “what the world needs now is Trump Sweet Trump.” The world needs the best of all of us. Think what the world would be like if we all joined in the effort to change ourselves in a way that better serves the world for the greater good of all.